glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
