Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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