Can i not drive my cunt home
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
