The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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