I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
