so that wasnt chicken after all
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
