You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
