I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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