I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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