I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
