I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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