you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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