I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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