sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
