so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
