I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
