Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
