i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize