and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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