The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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