and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
