Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
