We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
