Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
