If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
