They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
