Ambien. No doubt about it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize