Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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