ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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