I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
