i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just threw up on my dentist
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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