Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
