david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
