if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
