Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
sarcasm needs its own font
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
