I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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