Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
