i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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