so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
