I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
