It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
