i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Randomize
