Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
