Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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