You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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