Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
