Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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