i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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