i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
