kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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