she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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