This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My vagina is officially offended.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
