Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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