i may or may not be watching the land before time
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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