I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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