he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
