I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So apparently I’m into choking now
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
