I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
