So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
