I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
