Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
